How could this be true?  If God is the God of love how come could that be possible that He shows His love through pain, sickness and suffering?  This is an age-old question which could not be answered with logic.  What is sure is that pain, suffering, sickness, death is a reality that every man is not exempted irrespective of one’s religion.

This has challenged me as a Christian.  Even the Muslims, Hindus, Shintoists suffer, but how would I view suffering?  How could I stand in front of this inevitable reality?  Does it coincide with my faith?  This is the reason why for three months I have not written in this journal.  Has the love of God, which I have experienced so far, turned to its another face, a flip side of the coin?  Could I see the love of God, not in joy but in sorrow, not in health but in sickness, not in the beauty of relationships but in disharmony?  Is the yin-yang principle also applies in seeing the love of God.  When here are positive events and realities that happened could I still see the love of God which is unseen?

 

In the months of November and December, the main event was our Diocesan Pastoral Assembly, ten years after our first Diocesan Synod in which many of us have worked, thirty years after our diocese was founded.  I realized that even I am outside the diocese, the Holy Spirit has guided it.  It is not because of our efforts, especially mine that the diocese goes ahead.  When I went home, appreciation of the past years of working was not present, instead some tidbits of criticism.  My sensitivity was pricked.  But is this not the love of a Father who teaches me to be humble and to love more?   Could I still be grateful to God when the things I have labored for the love of the Church expressed in some decrees, which were approved ten years ago, would now be challenged to be deleted.  I thank my bishop who helped us and encouraged us to have some interventions to clarify which was later well accepted.  This I could easily admit but what about the challenge that it be deleted, was I ready to still believe it is God’s love?

 

Yes, after almost 25 years in the ministry I came to know that what is really important is the love of God and that is everything the only Good!  All are pure gift, grace, even my vocation.  Whatever I have done came from God, everything, and perhaps even the negative things come from his love.  This is where I stand and continue to stand, a belief that in all things there is meaning, the logos, the truth, love from which I opted to see reality, the unseen.  Everything could not be only seen exclusively through positivistic science, of logic, but on “faith”, belief.  Suppose it is not true? Well, I take the risk as scientists in a sense could doubt: suppose there are other way of viewing at reality?

Now, the doctor advised me to have a complete rest for two months! No work, no apostolate, no projects, only boredom, or is it perhaps to be in honeymoon with God again just like after my ordination.  The joy of being a new priest is replaced by a deeper companionship and intimacy with God and it makes me feel good.  Only one thing is necessary, Jesus told Martha, the sister of Mary in the gospels.  Aging, physical weakness, weak lungs, weak heart, in short sickness: are still part of the love of God?  A resolute Yes!  In fact it draws me close to Himself for He wants me to understand that everything is vanity and all things will pass away except Love, the absolute and that will remain.  Do I deserve all this?  He has loved us first, even without deserving it and His is free to do it.  Oh, in all the past years, how great is the love of God.  One life time is not enough to proclaim this belief and it is worth to offer again the second part of my life for it.

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