It is now one year that I came to know I would be assigned as a rector in our diocesan seminary and in fact , the school year is already ending.  Christmas vacation has ended, then, we would be waiting for the Sto. Nino Fiesta, then preparations for the examinations and exams.  For all we know we would be preparing sooner or later for the graduation.

One year has passed quickly.  I missed the beauty of nature in Tagaytay, but also the Christian and the reciprocal love in Tagaytay living the spirituality of communion guided by the charism of Chiara Lubich.  It is like a small ante room to paradise!  But here I am, I need to “create” in my own little way the paradise: “on earth as it is in heaven” in the context of the seminary community.  All in all we are about 250 including the priests, staff and seminarians.

I have been blessed by the company of good priests here.  We are ten and  80% of who were my students taking care of about 200 seminarians.  They are all making a lot of unity and efforts to make our seminary a community.

It is more the parents! The parents who may not have received Christian formation and could have different values and priorities which I suffer more.  Our seminarians have common sense and generally they are very “formable”

One time, I denied permission from a parent to allow his son to go out since we had a practice for the concert.  I need to plead with her that her son could stay and she could wait for less that a week to be with her son for some days when they will go home for the week-end anyway.

Another mother/father, did not realize that any attempt to run for office needs resignation from church position.  Naturally, we have applied the same light to our seminarians.  We denied that one seminarian run for office in a local election.  Much to our surprise our advices were not heeded .  He won (this means that our seminarians are that good) and when we informed the parents that it would be good for their son be more of service to the public, he would stay in another school where he would be free, they asked that he could stay.  We agreed on the condition, and that he would concentrate more in the formative process, he would have a leave of absence from this elected and sworn office till his graduation.  There was an agreement, but I feel that misgivings made a dent in our relationships.  This caused me to suffer.

I am happy however that one, instead of being sent out, on the contrary we have decided with a great pain on the part of the priests, to let him stay since, he needed help and the seminary is the best place for him.  This was the bishop’s mind so we became aware that our roles are not only functionary but to suffer and to be “fathers” and priests of those who hates their father – and therefore us priests – due to an inevitable absence of the father due to work or any disfunctions in the family.

To be a rector, I understood now, is not only to be an administrator or a builder but to exercise priestly ministry, even if it hearts.  Jesus’ bled, I have also to bleed.  Love is the fulfillment of the law!  Love if it is present makes us see what to do, even if it hurts.  The priests here have become more shepherds of our seminarians rather than administrators, as I have seen them.  God bless them!

Some days ago, I celelebrated by 50^th birthday and I  realized that “what could have been” in my life, good or bad!  But God’s love is always stronger and everything he allows to happen whether it be a negative or positive reality is all encompassed in this loving presence.  The more I grow “old” the more also I realized that the deep divisions in my soul, as maybe St. Paul experienced, when he said  -  the things, I want to do, I did not do; the things I want not to do, I did – is perhaps a universal experience since original sin and its effects are universal.  Original sin is taken away in baptism but the effects are always present, even perhaps stronger.  But love is stronger, mercy, forgiveness of God.  It is in this way, which is the truth, that I could go ahead in this adventure of life.   This makes me free, and I hope for you too the truth will always make you free!

Montns and months passed and finally got hold of time and means to be connected to the internet.  It has been an adventure not only the real ones for summer has just ended, but a spiritual adventure of how the Lord prepares and purifies for a job granted to my unworthy person.  To be the rector of our diocesan seminary of about 200 seminarians, high school and college in Numancia, Aklan, Philippines.  For the past months I have yet succeeded to have a broadband, things need to be prepared both inside me and outside myself.

Inside me, perhaps there is not time to narrate.  Outside of me, I feel lucky to be blessed with God personnel and staff in th seminary.  I could not be more grateful.  To love always and be guided by the spirit of love seems to be working, in fact "Love conquers all"

Tomorrow I will go to Italy.  My bishop allowed me to attend a formators' meeting in Vallombrosa near Florence to meet  with other formators in the world who are linked with the Focolare for two weeks.  To be immersed in the charism of unity and in the truth of where the Holy Spirit is guiding this apostolate of forming seminarians is not a bad reason to go.  In fact the timing seems to be miraculous for me since my previous trip last January did not push through due to doctor's advice as if God already reserved this meeting for me, now that I am well with the grace of God, or as it seems to be.

The Spirit of truth will guide, I hope this spirit will also guide us who work in the seminary. Needless to say if you are familiar, please include us in your prayers as we pray the God may bless you with his abundant gifts!

Only for the glory of God, I wanted to tell you guests of my story published in hard copy in New City Magazine, Philippine Edition.  It is in its on-line edition.

How could this be true?  If God is the God of love how come could that be possible that He shows His love through pain, sickness and suffering?  This is an age-old question which could not be answered with logic.  What is sure is that pain, suffering, sickness, death is a reality that every man is not exempted irrespective of one’s religion.

This has challenged me as a Christian.  Even the Muslims, Hindus, Shintoists suffer, but how would I view suffering?  How could I stand in front of this inevitable reality?  Does it coincide with my faith?  This is the reason why for three months I have not written in this journal.  Has the love of God, which I have experienced so far, turned to its another face, a flip side of the coin?  Could I see the love of God, not in joy but in sorrow, not in health but in sickness, not in the beauty of relationships but in disharmony?  Is the yin-yang principle also applies in seeing the love of God.  When here are positive events and realities that happened could I still see the love of God which is unseen?

 

In the months of November and December, the main event was our Diocesan Pastoral Assembly, ten years after our first Diocesan Synod in which many of us have worked, thirty years after our diocese was founded.  I realized that even I am outside the diocese, the Holy Spirit has guided it.  It is not because of our efforts, especially mine that the diocese goes ahead.  When I went home, appreciation of the past years of working was not present, instead some tidbits of criticism.  My sensitivity was pricked.  But is this not the love of a Father who teaches me to be humble and to love more?   Could I still be grateful to God when the things I have labored for the love of the Church expressed in some decrees, which were approved ten years ago, would now be challenged to be deleted.  I thank my bishop who helped us and encouraged us to have some interventions to clarify which was later well accepted.  This I could easily admit but what about the challenge that it be deleted, was I ready to still believe it is God’s love?

 

Yes, after almost 25 years in the ministry I came to know that what is really important is the love of God and that is everything the only Good!  All are pure gift, grace, even my vocation.  Whatever I have done came from God, everything, and perhaps even the negative things come from his love.  This is where I stand and continue to stand, a belief that in all things there is meaning, the logos, the truth, love from which I opted to see reality, the unseen.  Everything could not be only seen exclusively through positivistic science, of logic, but on “faith”, belief.  Suppose it is not true? Well, I take the risk as scientists in a sense could doubt: suppose there are other way of viewing at reality?

Now, the doctor advised me to have a complete rest for two months! No work, no apostolate, no projects, only boredom, or is it perhaps to be in honeymoon with God again just like after my ordination.  The joy of being a new priest is replaced by a deeper companionship and intimacy with God and it makes me feel good.  Only one thing is necessary, Jesus told Martha, the sister of Mary in the gospels.  Aging, physical weakness, weak lungs, weak heart, in short sickness: are still part of the love of God?  A resolute Yes!  In fact it draws me close to Himself for He wants me to understand that everything is vanity and all things will pass away except Love, the absolute and that will remain.  Do I deserve all this?  He has loved us first, even without deserving it and His is free to do it.  Oh, in all the past years, how great is the love of God.  One life time is not enough to proclaim this belief and it is worth to offer again the second part of my life for it.

"Anyone who gives you a drink of water (because you are a disciple). . . will not, I assure you, go without his reward." (Mt. 9:41).  In these weeks, to be honest,I felt enveloped by God's love.  Friends, providence, mutual love in the community, many spiritual blessings, feeling good with my health, adjusted to my diabetes.  God, You have pampered me a lot!  (This happened often times in my life when more responsibilities with more sufferings are coming).

But I would like to write about those who were giving my a lot of "drinking" water.  Water is also a symbol of the Holy Spirit, its fruits? Love, joy, patience, etc.  All these do not come in an instant but through persons who love. Friends who offered their friendships, persons whom I have not even meet are very good and kind to me.  Is it because I am a disiciple of Someone?  For sure!  And it is this Someone whom I might sidetrack and focus on the effects of this "life-giving water"  Yes, He identified Himself with the Source of life giving water, but I could be stupid not to connect both.

Once, my bishop told me about that during the second world war, since there were bombings in Intramuros, the parish priest decided to transfer the Blessed Sacrament to a safer place,  He used a donkey to carry the tabernacle on its back, and while the donkey is walking through the streets, he realized that the faithful are kneeling down when he approaches.  He thought that they are doing it for him, and it entered his stupid head that he is a VIP.  We are like that donkey, the bishop told me.  I am that stupid donkey!

How easy it is for me to enjoy and be gratified about the gifts that God is showing me, sometimes forgetting that behind those gifts of persons, friendships, genuine relationships, is God who is love.  Even persons in the blogosphere, are very kind to me, and I have to admit, I enjoy it, perhaps without knowing, like that stupid donkey.

I wanted to thank God for this month of graces, lots of them, expressed by those who might even be reading this journal.  Persons whom I might not know but expressed the love of God for me.  The providence that I received for my apostolate, which otherwise could not be attained through my work only.  The joy of community-life and friendships of those who are continuously praying for me.  Oh God, so immense is you love for me!  I pray that you will not spoil me as you have spoiled me before, or rather it was me who spoiled myself by not seeing through these events, gifts, persons that You are the souce of everything.  All are expressions of your love!

I could not but pray for these persons! I could not but enter more in Your reality which is Caritas, charity, love.  I could not but spurred to also do my part - to give "a drink of water": a smile, an understanding, an encouragement, some kind words, or silence in prayer, counsel, to give time, to give an ear.  There are infinite ways, to give "water" Lord.  I pray that you enlighten me to give this "living water".

Was it not this "water" that we gave when we welcomed two poor familes during the storm called Milenyo?  Was it not this "water" when we helped that lady financially to be operated, even when our budget was stretched.  Was it not You who inspired us to save money in order to have some for the needy?  What is not You who encouraged us to live so that our unity in the community could increase?  Was it not you who pushed one of us to learned about micro lending in order to help a family put up a small business?  Perhaps, yes, perhaps no, I don't care.  What is important is it also makes my heart lighter and a smile in my lips would come when I remember them during the night before I sleep in your love.

Finally, after so much getting out of myself, in work, speaking and writing, I found time to go inside my heart.  It is said the word of God is written in our hearts, St. Augustine finds the truth inside of him in the deepest recesses of his soul.  This needs silence!

But is there another silence so that the word could be effective?  Is there an in-action in order that action could be effective?  St James said, "Be doers of the Word and not hearers only!" (James 1:22).  This recalls what the scriptures said: to live the word and not only listeners, and another parable in which two sons was asked by their father to do something: one said yes but did not do it, the other said no but did it.  The one who did what the father asked was edified by our Lord.  Doing therefore seems to be necessary, to build our house on a rock.

But these past weeks, I have not done anything special, just routine and routine. It seems however that from this seeming inaction could come the greatest action, which is love, charity, agape.  I have learned not to judge, to suspend comments, to be silent in front of irritation.  It is not easy to "do" these things, but I realized, but it liberated me from my ego.  It is precisely non-doing: Instead of answering, I tried to see the other's viewpoint.  Instead of judging, I tried to silent my mind and love the other.  At least I tried. It felt good!  Doing this, is in these past weeks for me is the highest activity because it is loving the other.  Non-doing if it is "in love" becomes the highest activity.  It appears to be non-doing but it required from me, who many times reacts when something pricks my ego, a great effort.  As I said, it becomes, paradoxically, a doing par excellence.  How? by non-doing.  I realized it is not only passivity but an activity of the heart to love more, not to judge because love should reign in my heart, to decide not to react but to understand and love better.

Be doers of the Word and not only hearers.  To love then, I realized in this past days, even if it is seemingly "non-doing", when done out of love becomes, in a certain sense a mode of being.  I believe that it is an emptiness, a non-doing out of love.  As I said it makes me feel better, not in the sense of better-than-thou but the thou is given always preference by the silence of love.

It could be that in this silence that words have greater meaning, or it is this in-action that action becomes more significant.  Let's hope so.

Finally after busy weeks, since my companions are either sent for another assignment in the parish or/and are having a vacation, I had this time only now to write in this journal.  "Be kind to one another, compassionate and forgiving" seems to be the word that I should live and I tried to live.  It is the so-called word of life for the month of August.

Immediately when I was alone some weeks three seminarians from the military ordinariate in the Philippines came to stay with us. Their bishop wanted them, before their ordination to the priesthood wished that they could have experience a communitarian life offered in this school of communion for Asia, concentrating on the spirituality of unity characteristic of the Focolare Movement.  One was asked to stay for six months while the other two for two weeks.  After these two weeks even the two wanted to stay but out of obedience to their bishop they have to do immediate preparations for their ordination.  For sure, it is not good  to disobey their bishop at the eve of their ordination.  They were first timers to this kind of not so easy life of communion, but much to our surprise, they have all positive attitude and even beautiful impressions.

Life is like heaven where there is good unity.  But when things are not quite well, like the pump is not turned off when the tank is full, or some are late for the time for classes and inputs, when the expenses exceeds the budget, when extra errands are not done because someone got sick, when repairs are done in the house because of improper use, when the telephone is not working, when there are still other requests even if they know that you are alone, when some masses are said of out of the schedulted time since communication falls, when you lack sleep or you need one to be fresh in preparing the giving the class, I became super sensitive, and highly irritable and expect things to be done.  In other words when my heart is tired of loving, I resort and defend myself through a technique quite unique and effective: irritability, and fail to love my neighbor under the guise that I need to keep things going around here.  Oh what pride, as if things depend on me.  Things, all things are going one because of the love of God and neighbor and how we do concretely things out of love!  In love, I realize there is the Holy Spirit, without love, then the "evil" spirit comes.

Bad "spirits" and bad athomosphere comes from the heart when I do not love. Without love of God, the universe would collide with one another.  Love supports the whole world.  In love there is the light.  Without love, the world is not supposed to be what it is and I become unkind, unforgiving, not compassionate.  It is then that this word of life helped me.

To be kind: when one or came to this "school" without informing us first, words of welcome and hospitiality expressed coudl be that kindness that is needed of me.

Mutually forgiving: when one does not agree with what I think, to look at him with love and understand why he is acting that way lead me to the light of some of his unresolved problems which I forgot to address.

Compassionate: when one spends more because he needs to sustain his body, instead of thinking about the expenses, I could be one with his weakness and understand since our seminarians are also woking physically.  To even listen more to his physical needs of food makes me feel better.

Be kind to one another, compassionate and forgiving as God has forgiven us in Christ!  How beautiful it is to live these words even for life.  It regains my equilibrium and it reminds me that I myself is a loved and forgiven sinner.

Now, we have good chinese priest and seminarian who opted to stay with us for some days.  They have given us fresh inspiration.  Due to their suffering experienced as catholics from mainland China, we have models of kindness, forgiveness and compassion.  They encourage us to be faithful to our Lord on the cross, for the cross is their life everyday.  We thank God for the gift of their presence for in these past days they have given us the light of love!

When my companion left for a vacation of six weeks, I need to carry some of the responsibilities for the school of communitarian spirituality in Tagaytay, Philippines.  Since, our spirituality is communitarian, decision making are made in consultation to make the life of those who are entrusted to us, go forward with, as we call, Jesus in the midst.  Love is the abiding principle, mutual love, and this love prompts each one to place concerns and plans in common, only out of love and to establish this divine-human harmony amongst us. This for me is gospel placed into a “formative-endeavor”.

But what happens when moments when there nobody with whom you could see together decisions, actions and schedules, come? 

Here I recall Psalm, as perhaps many of us, turn to: “You, Lord, are near to all who call upon You, to all who call upon You in truth.” (Ps 145:1 .

This has helped me on the one hand to be calm, to be always loving towards everybody.  The Lord God is the source of Love and those who call Him could not but be in touch with Love itself.  It is a consolation for me.  On the other hand, God is not a fantasy, that I could create and recreate then portray Him as I would like Him to be. 

It is in this the phrase “in truth” of the quoted psalm, in fact, that makes my feet stamped well on the ground of reality.  “In truth,” I realized means, the truth about myself and the truth about the others.  To call Him, makes me know who He is and makes me realize who am I.  The more I am with Him, the more that I know myself.  It is only in union with Him, my God that I could ever know myself, my true self and therefore act and decide accordingly.

I know in truth that I am a human being, that many times react in a human way, even very human.  Calling Him, makes me realize this and therefore in effect, it opens for me the truth about myself.  This makes me decide accordingly in these days.

When one of our formandees is not doing what he is suppose to do, calling Him, as I have experienced, makes me calm but at the same time, I realize this truth about my unredeemed humanity: being a kind of superior in the human sense, and therefore could react in a very human way of considering “authority”.  Calling Him, leads me to see the other way of looking at authority - service and love of neighbor, to see, and be one with our formandees and see in the perspective of the other.  In fact, I realized later that formandee was not present, because he is not feeling well.  A simple thing but makes a lot of difference for me.  What I perceive to be right, (in this case, a judgment that one is lazy) may actually be wrong if I see it in another perspective. 

At one time, I also like to suggest a change of schedule, to make them see a good film. I realize too that it should be seen in their perspective and therefore makes me rethink, if I have, in effect, suggest it or not.  The youth loves more action films rather than stories of saints.  And so, I decided to postpone the viewing of a film about a saint: Maria Goretti.

To call Him is for me to be with the Holy Spirit, the person of love and the Holy Spirit is Wisdom, guide, and He is the one that makes all of us holy.  He is the one that makes us one and this unity amongst us is the one that could lead us to sanctity since it is the presence of the Holy Spirit – the true sanctifier.

The Lord,  is “near to all who call” in truth.  He makes himself present not only in me but amongst us.

"To drink the cup!"  This is what someone told me when we meet and shared about the years that past. 

He said that everything comes from unity and life comes from this Trinitarian life.  How true it is!  Even creation started from the love of God who is trinitarian, the incarnation originates from that "united love" of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.  Since creation was done through and in Christ, as St. Paul said, everything should go back through Christ.  How?  By being united with Christ.

"To drink the cup," is linked to what Jesus commented when He was in Gethsemani.  "Let this cup be away from me but. . . "Your will be done" To drink the cup.  This is not mere passivism but a conscious decisiion to continue to offer one's life so that life could be generated.

Now I understand.  To drink the cup of suffering, pain, darkness, worries, efforts to love and to make unity.  Unless we drink the cup, like Jesus, salvation - life, the fulness of live could not be attained.  Unless we drink the cup, there is not generativity - fuller unity that extends to the others will flow.  To drink the cup, is to allow my sufferings be part of that ricapitulation of all through Christ, his cup, sharing of his cup.

Now I entrust everything to Him. It is his cup that we share, it is His life that we should give and also receive in our hearts.  Oh how wonderful it is to see that brothers live in unity, but now I understand - it is first to drink the cup of sufferings and pain to make unity.

In every pain, a new life is gained.  Now after more than two years the grace!  I could only but thank our Lord, for allowing me to share in that cup.

I wish to thank all the other people who are continuously drinking from the same cup and give life to many.  Each and everyone of us has the capacity to generate life in many.  Let us share the same cup with Christ.

In a theological blog page one quotes Hans Urs von Balthasar, a Swiss catholic theologian ". . . . We must not wish to cling to our suffering. Suffering surely deepens us and enhances our person, but we must not desire to become a deeper self than God wills. To suffer no longer can be a beautiful, perhaps the ultimate, sacrifice."  

I blogged: Yes, suffering is an occasion for growth, but we should not look for it. It is a gift to become one with Christ. He gives the right yoke. One does not need to be masochistic to love the cross! Suffering is a grace but one should not look for it, it comes when it comes. It becomes unhealthy and may not lead us to the joy of the Risen Lord!

Filipino Christianity tends to remain in suffering and sometimes we take pride of our suffering and cling to it as if to hide inside "the wound" of Jesus. But Jesus is risen! I realize that suffering is like a hot coal that could burn not only my soul but by person.  I need yes, to identify a personal suffering but that is not enough.  I have to identity them, unite them with our Lord's suffering and transform them into love. 

How many wasted suffering that I escaped; how many wasted suffering that were not transformed since I cling and become attached to it.

Our Lord wants to give us new life, and life ot the full.  Yes He wants us to enter the "narrow door" but it is only a passage.  Nobody remains in the gate when one wants enters a palace.  The kingdom of God is like a palace, I should not remain in the gate to enter it.